Hold Back The River
by Medicineforrobbers
Summary: Rin is desperate to catch Haru's attention and let him know how he feels - but the more he tries, the farther he seems to drift away. RinHaru, HaruRin


_**Author's note:**_

 _ **This story takes place towards the beginning of**_ **Eternal Summer,** _ **before the District Tournament.**_

 _ **I do not own anything but the story itself. Free! Iwatobi Swim Club belongs to Kyoto Animation.**_

" _Lonely water_

 _won't you let us wander?"_

— _James Bay_

The way Rin saw it, life was a lot like the water. Everybody swam in it their own way: some followed the current and some fought against it; some stuck to the shallow end, while others braved for the deep.

Some let it overcome them—others broke through the surface.

 _What is water, anyway?_ he thought. He watched it tremble as he slid his hand over it, breaking his reflection and scattering it across the pool. _It's not solid; if you push hard enough, you can make it move. It's just that sometimes, you have to push a little harder._

He sighed and dropped his hand to his side. The water stilled until it was almost a mirror. Rin broke his eyes away from it, unable to stare at his face any longer.

 _Why am I spacing out so much?_ He whipped his head around, shaking the water out of his hair, his ears, his head. _I need to focus. I need to continue practicing._

He heaved himself out of the pool, and standing on dry land, Rin's arms and legs felt like burdens. His eyes were leaden with exhaustion. His muscles felt like ropes, pulled taut, the tension so tight they were beginning to burn.

He shook himself out to circulate his blood. He bent over, arching his back, and glared at the water as if it were a dragon he was about to slay.

With a flash, he dove in.

The water encased him. Instantly, cool relief spread over his body, like a breath of air filling his lungs. He slashed forward, ripping the water behind him and propelling himself to the end of the pool.

He was numb. The cold dulled his screaming muscles, leaving only motion: arms reaching, legs kicking, the water thrashing against him like a hissing beast—but Rin was a shark, and it yielded to his command, parting for him as he barreled his way through.

He reached the end, spun, and kicked off.

He could see light in the darkness; it dappled the blue, highlighting the crests that rose and fell around him. He dug into the water, his arms whipping forward like they did nothing else. A rush filled him, one that he felt at the end of every race, and it swallowed his body whole—just like the water.

He could see it: the wall. It beckoned to him. He swam faster, slashing his arms and legs until he was just a blade tearing through the water's skin. He bit into its bones; he cut clean through it.

He touched the wall.

He dove up for air and gasped. Sweet, chlorified air filled his lungs, and he kept breathing it in until the burning stopped. As he adjusted to the world around him, he felt a shadow fall over his head. He looked up.

"Wow." Sousuke's grin was taunting. "That's three seconds faster than last time."

He reached a hand down and Rin took it. Sousuke heaved him up, and immediately that heavy feeling came over him again, like a fish left on dry land. He was still panting as Sousuke chucked his towel at him, and he caught it before it hit his face.

"What, are you stalking me or something?" He rubbed the towel over his hair, fussing it up into a frizzy mess. "Should I get a restraining order?"

"You didn't come back to our room. I was concerned."

"I was just putting in a couple of extra laps." He swiped his duffle bag from the edge of the pool. "It's not like I was dead in a ditch somewhere."

"Rin. It's almost ten thirty."

Rin froze. He craned his head over his shoulder and took a look at Sousuke's solemn face. "It is?"

"Why do you think I was worried? Idiot." He started towards the door, pausing in the entryway. He leaned himself against it, crossing his arms over his chest. "Something's bothering you, isn't it?"

Rin laughed. "Why would you think that?"

"You always resort to something physical whenever you don't want to think."

"No I don't," Rin snapped. "You're imagining things, Sousuke." He brushed past him, hoping to leave the conversation in the dust.

Sousuke followed him. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but if you keep over-exerting yourself like this you're going to burn out. Then you'll be no use to us at Districts."

"I told you I'm fine."

"I don't believe you." Rin bristled, feeling like something was gnawing at his head. "But it's none of my business."

"Go play in traffic."

Sousuke laughed, and despite himself, Rin grinned, ducking his head so he wouldn't see.

xXx

Rin collapsed onto the bed. Above him, Sousuke's snores rumbled, creating vibrations that he could feel through the bedposts. He tucked his arms under his head and stared up, eyes swimming over the faded graffiti scrawled on the bottom of the top bunk.

 _He's right,_ he begrudgingly admitted. His muscles throbbed, but the usual ache was more sinister. He winced as a sudden jolt ran through his right arm; he lowered it down and rolled his shoulder, teeth set.

 _I can't keep doing this_. He flipped over onto his side, curling in on his stomach. _If I keep training like this, there's no way I'll be at my best come Districts. I'll never make it to Regionals._

He sighed. It flowed into his body and pushed out some of the pain. _I can't talk to Sousuke about it, though. He never says it, but I can tell he doesn't like him._

He stretched his arm out, fingers folding over his cell phone. _There's only one person, really._ He slid it open and began to text. _I just hope that she's still awake._

xXx

"That ice cream is the size of your head."

"I know!" Gou laughed, and her smile struck him like a ray of sunshine. He hid one of his own behind his cup. He loved his sister more than anything, even swimming. Seeing her happy felt better than any time in the water.

"Next time you should try a medium." He sipped his milkshake, watching her take a bite of chocolate, fudge, and Reese's. He had to look away.

They were sitting outside their favorite ice cream parlor, the sun beating down on their backs and killing anybody wearing black. The sky was a robin's egg, wisps of clouds sweeping up like storms trying to take on the sea. Spring had arrived, and it made its presence known, screaming from the _sakura_ blossoms and the chatter of songbirds above.

Gou wiped her face with her napkin. "So what's this all about?"

Rin set his cup down on the table, twiddling with the straw. "I need some advice."

"Okay."

"How do I…." He broke off, trying to talk around the rock in his throat. "How do I get someone's attention?"

She frowned. "'Someone's attention'?"

"Like, show them that I…care about them."

Gou's eyes lit up. "You mean a girl?"

He swallowed, hoping his cheeks weren't as warm as they felt. "Sure."

"Oh, Rin!"

"Just…please, Gou."

"All right, all right." She sat back in her chair, tapping her lip. "I guess I would find out what means the most to them. Showing an interest in the things they care about shows you care enough about them to learn, right?"

"I guess."

"I mean, flowers and chocolate don't work on every girl," she went on, taking a bite of her ice cream. "Some aren't good at the emotional aspects of a relationship and may find it hard to connect with people. I think it would be easier to get to someone's heart through something that's already there."

Rin slumped, trying not to give away his sense of defeat, but failing. Gou frowned. "What?"

"That's a good answer," he said. He tapped his cup to a beat only he could hear—slow, like the thoughts in his head. "I just don't know if it will work in this case.

"Oh, come on. Sure it will! What's she into?"

Rin scraped a hand through his hair, only to have it fall on his face again. His blush felt like a rash on his skin that kept getting scratched. He turned his head away, watching a mother and son at another table. The boy had a smile and chocolate ice cream on his face.

He couldn't meet Gou's eyes. "Water."

"What?"

"That's all he cares about—the water."

A thick silence fell. Gou's eyes probed at him; he could feel the heat of her stare burning a hole into the side of his head. The more seconds that ticked by, the more Rin was certain he was about to explode.

Eventually, Gou spoke. "That's not true."

He looked at her.

"He loves mackerel." Then she smiled, biting her lower lip.

That knocked a laugh out of him, and Gou deflated with relief. "Right. I forgot."

"Listen, Rin." Gou leaned forward. "I know it's hard to believe, but Haru _is_ human."

"He's half-fish."

"True," she conceded, nodding her head. "But what I'm trying to say is that Haru has a way to his heart just like everyone else. It's just harder to find."

Rin sighed. "Yeah," he agreed. "But what am I supposed to do? If I take him swimming we'll just end up racing each other, and that's not what I want—well, not _this_ time."

Gou sloshed her ice cream with her spoon, lips puckered. "Hm," she said. "Why don't you ask Makoto?"

Rin snapped his head up. "Makoto?"

"He's Haru's best friend, right? They've known each other longer than any of you. He has to know something."

"Well, yeah, but…."

"But?" She tilted her head.

"That's…going to be kind of awkward." He shrugged. "That's all."

Gou giggled. "Oh, come on," she said. "Makoto is the sweetest person I know. You'll be fine."

"All right, all right." He took a long sip from his milkshake and eyed her cup, which was still three-quarters full. "You'd better eat that before it eats you."

"Yeah." She waved her spoon at him, dolloped with ice cream. "You're sure you don't want some?"

"Yes." _No_ , he thought, as he watched her take a bite. He had to stop himself from drooling.

xXx

Later that evening he was trudging up a narrow street, houses looming over him, their illuminated windows like open eyes watching his every move. He paused and looked up the steps at the one above, having to crane his neck to see that far.

A single light was on. He was home.

He turned and walked back. Makoto's house was only a little ways away, and when Rin saw it, it was bursting with light—the brightest on the street.

Rin knocked on the door.

A thud, some muted voices, a giggle, then a _clack_. Makoto slid the door open, his immense height taking up the entire doorframe.

His green eyes widened; his jaw fell open. "Rin?"

"Hey." He cleared his throat. "I'm not, uh…interrupting anything, am I?"

"You're cool. We just finished eating." Finally, his signature smile appeared. His teeth were so bright, the blind could see them. He stepped to the side. "Come on in!"

"Thanks." He moved around him, taking off his shoes, and almost smacked into two dwarves, blinking up at him with curious eyes. He jumped back, startled.

Makoto shut the door. "Oh, sorry. Ran, Ren, give him some room." He ushered them back a step, then tossed an apologetic look Rin's way. "Sorry," he said again. "Usually it's only Haru that comes by."

"It's cool." He bowed his head. "I'm Rin Matsuoka. Nice to meet you."

"We know who you are!" The girl—Ran, he surmised—was bouncing on her toes. "We watched you swim in a relay last year with our big brother!"

"You were amazing!" Ren echoed.

Ran jumped forward and clutched his shirt. "Could you teach me how to swim the butterfly? Please?"

"Yeah, me too!"

Rin laughed nervously, a bit perturbed, and Makoto picked up on it instantly. He stepped forward and took the twins by their shoulders.

"All right, guys, why don't you play in your room for a bit?" He gave them a push and they scuttled away, a bit crestfallen. Once they were gone, he straightened up and sighed.

"Ran, Ren, Rin…that's going to get confusing," he muttered. He smiled, and Rin returned it.

"You want some tea?" he called as they shuffled into the kitchen.

"Yeah, sure." Rin settled himself in a chair, folding his arms in front of him.

Makoto placed the kettle on the stove. "So what's up?"

Rin's fingers clenched on the table. His heart thudded a beat too fast, like it'd tripped while running. "I need to ask you something."

"Okay…."

"About Haru."

Makoto froze, his hand suspended in the air as he reached for a mug. He recovered and picked it up. "What about Haru?"

"Well…I just…." Rin licked his lips. "Does he have anything he likes…besides swimming?"

Makoto stared at him. Rin started back, and he could feel the heat spread into his face. His heart kicked at him again.

Then Makoto smiled. "You're going to ask him out, aren't you?"

Rin's jaw fell open.

"Come on, Rin, it's obvious you like him." Makoto opened the refrigerator, as if Rin wasn't gaping at him like a dead fish. "Do you want milk in your tea?"

"Um…no, thanks." Rin stared at him, closing his mouth. "How was it…obvious?"

"I was there last year, remember? You were so obsessed with beating Haru that you didn't care about anything else—but then it was over." He shut the refrigerator. "And you fell apart."

Rin dipped his head. "Yeah," he whispered. "I really did want to beat Haru, but when I told him we never had to swim together again…that didn't make me happy like I thought it would. I wanted…." He swallowed. "I wanted to swim with all of you—but especially him. I love swimming, but when it's with Haru it's like there's this fire that sparks inside of me. He makes me want to push myself harder than I ever have before."

Makoto set the milk on the counter and leaned against it. "Haru was pretty messed up about that too, you know. You're the reason why he swims."

Rin cleared his throat. He scratched the back of his neck and gave Makoto a weak smile. "I remember him saying that," he agreed, lost in thought.

The kettle screeched, making them both jump. Makoto took it off the heat and poured it over the tea. He handed Rin his and sat next to him, adding milk to his own. "Okay," he breathed, tipping his head back. "So. Stuff Haru likes."

"Yeah."

"The thing about Haru is that he doesn't tell you what he wants. You have to watch him and hope you figure it out. It's like he's a suspect, and you're deducing things by studying his behavior." He glanced at him, a mental nudge.

Rin stared down at his tea. "Well, he's…quiet." He took a sip. "Infuriatingly so."

"Right. That probably means he likes quiet places, where he won't be forced to talk or be heard above everyone else. So take him someplace calm or not very crowded."

Rin nodded. "Okay."

"He likes to cook, so I'm sure he has an appreciation for food," he continued. "And this is sort of a guess, but…I think he's a nature lover."

Rin's eyebrows shot up his head. "Really."

"Well, you know how much he loves the water," he said. "But he talks about the wind and the earth too. Plus, he's kind of a technophobe. He plays video games with me sometimes, but I never see him watching TV or using a computer—and he always leaves his phone at home. So I figure he might prefer to spend his time outside."

"He does sound like a hippie sometimes," Rin muttered.

Makoto laughed, then sobered. "He loves waterfalls, too. A lot. He finds them beautiful."

"Waterfalls, huh?"

Makoto nodded. "He told us once about a time he went hiking with his parents. He found a waterfall and described it as a 'romantic encounter.'"

Rin choked on his tea, lurching over the table. "Tell me you're joking," he gasped after he'd recovered.

"Nope."

"Oh my god." Rin collapsed in his chair, burying his head in his arms. "Even if he says yes, I'll be second to a _waterfall_."

"You'll be fine." Makoto scraped his chair back and went to refill his cup. "I think Haru cares about you a lot, too."

Rin peeked out from his cage of arms. "You think so?"

"Yeah. I know he doesn't show it, but that's because he's not good at expressing his feelings. He comes off kind of cold, but…." Makoto smiled. "I know he has a really big heart."

Rin's mind reeled back, shuttering to a stop at last year's Regional Tournament. He could see Haru's face, for once not wearing his cold mask, open and reaching out to him—his hand outstretched, begging for Rin to take it.

"Yeah," he murmured. "He does."

xXx

All of the oxygen in the world wouldn't be enough for Rin to catch his breath. He closed his eyes and inhaled. Haru's house smelled fresh, like it was sitting in a meadow. Of course it would—everything Haru owned held a sense of beauty.

Rin rapped on the door, swallowing sandpaper.

Unlike at Makoto's, there were no signs of movement. For a terrifying second, Rin thought he was waking him up. It was noon, but Haru could be using the Sunday morning to collect some much-needed sleep.

Just as Rin fell back a step, the door slid open.

His hair was tousled slightly, and he was still in his pajamas, but his blue eyes were alive and alert. He jolted at the sight of Rin but recovered quickly. He became a sheet of glass.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Get dressed," Rin ordered, surprised he could find his voice underneath the knot in his throat. "I'm taking you out."

Haru's shoulders slumped, and the littlest crease in his brow formed. "Why?"

"Because it's a beautiful day, and it shouldn't be wasted." He zipped up his sweatshirt and watched Haru's face perceptively. He tilted his head. "Well?"

Haru remained silent. He watched Rin like he was a blade of grass, and the silence spread between them, thickening as the seconds ticked by.

Haru sighed, stepping out of the doorway. "I don't get you," he muttered and slammed the door in his face.

 _Was that a yes?_ Rin strained his ears but couldn't catch anything. Birds chirped overhead, fat and happy in their nests. The wind stirred the branches of the trees, their bare bones growing some skin as buds began to form. He could hear the echoes of a soccer game down the street, and every sound nature had to offer, but not a thing from indoors.

A few minutes later, the door opened again. Haru had combed his hair and changed into a t-shirt and khakis. He shut the door behind him without anything to carry in his hands.

"Let's go, then." Rin retrieved the picnic basket he'd tucked to the side. Haru stared at it as he followed him down the steps, their uneven footfalls like gunshots firing in the quiet.

They boarded a bus. Rin let Haru have the window seat and set the basket on the floor. He thought about breaking open a conversation, but Haru's quiet was like duct tape. He watched him out of the corner of his eye, but all he could see was his profile; he was staring out the window, at the muddy smears of buildings they passed as they flew by.

Rin, feeling chastened, sighed to himself. He pulled out his iPod and plugged in his headphones, relenting himself to a silent drive.

Haru sat stock-still for the full one-and-a-half hour drive. When the bus rattled to a stop and Rin stood, Haru turned to look at him, and Rin was surprised that he could still move from all of that tension.

"This is our stop," he announced. He snatched the picnic basket, slinging his headphones around his neck. "Come on. It's about a sixty-minute hike."

Haru's eyebrows frowned in the middle. It seemed to be the only expression he deemed worthy. "Where are we?"

Rin grinned, bearing his teeth. "Katoura."

Haru jolted. Rin, walking on air, glided down the aisle towards the door, nodding to the bus driver as he did so. He enjoyed the sound of Haru jumping to his feet and hurrying after him.

Rin began trekking up the road to Ikkoganaru Camp Grounds. Nature lashed out at him: the trees whispered in his ears and the smell of dirt clung to his nose. A squirrel recoiled at the sight of him and darted into the bushes. The air was moist and Rin sucked it in, ignoring how his body immediately broke into a sweat, suffocated by his black sweatshirt.

He got lost in thought for a moment until a voice called an impatient "Hey!"

He stopped and looked back. Haru was almost jogging, his face crippled with annoyance. His cheeks were already blasted with red.

"Sorry," Rin offered. "I forgot you're slow on land."

"Why did you take me here?" His voice struck like a punch to the face, and Rin flinched.

"Jeez, relax, man." He held up his hands. "I just wanted to show you something."

Haru's glare bit into him. Rin stepped back. "I promise you'll like it—but I can't tell you what it is unless you come with me." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Do you trust me?"

Haru still didn't say anything. His silence was more stifling than the heat. Rin eventually gave up and spun on his heel. "I'm going with or without you," he called. "If you're coming, try to keep up."

For a moment, only one set of footsteps could be heard. A minute later and a second joined in. Rin hoped he couldn't see his smile.

xXx

The hike was easy. The trail was flat and smooth under their feet as they wove through the forest. The canopy forbade the sun, so they were shrouded in mostly darkness, with the exception of a few rays peeking behind the gnarled trunks and budding leaves. Rin stopped to pick a flower at the bank and held it out to Haru, who took it, dumbfounded, and stuck it in his pocket.

As they marched closer to their destination, Rin began to hear it: the steady gush of water as it drummed on a surface. He grinned and looked back at Haru, eager for a reaction—any reaction.

He was blinking rapidly, blue eyes wide, as the sound registered. His lips parted and a low sound touched them but fell into nothing. "Rin," he said eventually, his tone uncertain. "Are we…?"

"It's just up ahead." Rin ran back and took his arm. "Just a little further."

Something took off in his stomach when Haru didn't jerk out of his grasp. He led the way, being careful not to rush, yet at the same time trying to hurry.

At last, the clearing opened up to him, waving them forward. Rin dragged him to the edge, about ready to burst into confetti.

"Here it is," he whispered.

The forest emptied them onto a cliff. Sharp rocks jutted out of the face like teeth, their points jagged and lethal. To their left, a two-tiered waterfall emptied into the Kasechi-gawa River, the sun glancing off of the water so it sparkled like liquid diamonds.

Rin felt Haru go limp. He glanced at him, and his eyes were glowing. Rin smiled, knowing that inside, Haru was lit up like a thousand lanterns floating on the water.

"Is this…?" he whispered.

"The Daisen-daki," Rin told him. "One of Japan's one-hundred most beautiful waterfalls."

Haru glanced down at the basin, licking his tongue over his lips. "Can we…?"

"I brought a rope." He patted the picnic basket. "But why don't we eat first?" He sat down on the trail and opened up the basket. "I'm not much of a cook, but Gou helped me make _aji no tataki_ last night."

Haru's eyes flitted towards him, watching as he pulled out bento boxes and chopsticks. Rin took out a bottle of barley tea and tossed it to him.

"Come on," he urged. "Sit down."

He did, muttering a "Thanks" as he took his meal. Rin tried to swallow the smile on his face but found he couldn't. The silence between them didn't feel quite so malevolent; he let Haru sit in his own thoughts, listening to the rush of the waterfall. It was mid-afternoon and the sun was starting to sink in the west, and the low light made everything seem close and intimate.

 _I'm on a date with Haru_ , he thought suddenly. His heart did a backflip. He became aware of his own skin, how close it was to brushing against Haru's. Every hair on his body felt charged and he felt like his face was going to melt off. He shuffled, racking his brain for something to say.

"This is nice," Haru whispered.

Rin stuttered. He covered it up with a cough. "Yeah, it is."

"You still haven't told me why we're here."

"Yes I did," he argued. "I wanted to show you the waterfall."

"You can't honestly expect me to believe that."

Rin swallowed. "It's the truth," he insisted, then muttered, "part of the truth, anyway."

Haru watched him, then set down his food. He stood up, and Rin followed him with his eyes.

"Let's go swimming," he suggested.

Rin bristled. "But we just got here."

"So?"

Rin watched his eyes trail back to the waterfall. He suddenly felt heavy, like an iron weight was crushing down on him. His shoulders sunk.

Trying not to let his disappointment show, he dug into the picnic basket and produced a long, coiled rope. "Here," he said. "Tie it around the base of that tree—it should be a strong enough hold."

"Thanks." Haru didn't even hesitate as he took the rope from him. He moved a ways off and started untangling it, tying it around the tree.

 _I shouldn't have brought him here_. Haru tested the rope, making sure it held. _Water is all he cares about. If you bring him within twenty feet of it, he can't think of anything else._

He sprawled back, untangling himself as he stretched out on the grass. The dirt from the trail mixed with his hair, and he could've sworn something crawled down his shirt, but he didn't care. He stared up at the sky and thought it looked a little gray. _I'll always be second-best to him, won't I?_

"Aren't you coming?" Haru asked. Rin was surprised that he was still there.

"I'll be down in a sec. You go on ahead."

He took the silence as a sign of his departure. He closed his eyes, the humidity making his skin crawl with sweat. His eyelids burned red, but his thoughts were full of blue—like the color of Haru's eyes.

He winced and scrubbed at his face like he could wash the images away. _Damn it._ He clenched his jaw until it began to cry out in pain. _Am I ever going to be good enough for him? No matter what I do, no matter how I feel…I never feel worthy of him. I never feel like an equal._

He opened his eyes. _That's why you wanted to beat him so badly, isn't it? You wanted to show him how far you'd come. How strong you had grown. It was all for him. It always has been._

He smashed his fist into the ground. Pain jumped into his nerves and sent his hand trembling. _Damn it!_ His throat ached with the urge to scream. _I hate this. I care about him so much and he doesn't even notice!_

His eyes began to sting and his chest leaped with fear. He sat up straight and wiped the rogue tear away, refusing to let another one fall. He was so sick of crying.

He strained his ears, but couldn't catch any sound of Haru swimming. Figuring the waterfall was too loud, he stood up and crept carefully to the edge.

Haru was nowhere in sight.

"Haru?" he called.

No answer.

Rin's heart fell out of his stomach. He skimmed his eyes frantically over the basin one more time, but Haru was gone.

"Haru!" he cried again, fear swallowing him down. Without thinking he rushed to the rope. He yanked on it to make sure it was solid, then started to climb down. His shaking hands and feet made him slip and stumble, and at one point he lost purchase and his right foot slid off of the cliff face.

Rin grunted and gritted his teeth. He peered down at the drop, all forty-two meters ready to drag him down to his death.

 _Calm down._ He inhaled, regained his hold, and resumed his decline.

He knew the chances of Haru drowning were as slim as winning the lottery, but he could've lost his grip, fell, and cracked his head on the rocks. His neck could be snapped in half or he could be bleeding out, his body too impaled to move. Red visions swam through Rin's mind as he made his way down, and it was only by an iron determination that he kept himself from rushing.

At last, his feet touched solid earth. He whipped around, frantically searching for a body.

" _Haru!_ " he screamed. He dashed around the basin. " _HARU!_ "

He wasn't in the water. If he had been, he would've been able to see his shadow flying below the surface. Rin felt ready to punch something or rip his hair out. His breath was coming faster than the rushing waterfall.

" _HARU!_ "

He collapsed on his knees, numb with panic. He felt like he was dying; his chest was so tight that it felt ready to pop open. He had a stitch in his side from running so much, and he clutched it, trying to regain his breath.

Something touched his shoulder.

Rin spun around, and Haru reeled back. His eyes were huge, and Rin thought about how he must look, red-faced and wild-eyed, about ready to keel over.

Rin bounced to his feet. "Where _were_ you?!"

"Behind the waterfall," he said, blinking. "Sorry. I couldn't hear you."

Rin wanted to punch him. He wanted to grate his knuckles into his pretty-boy face and leave a massive dent. His fingers twitched with the urge to throw him into the water.

Instead, he leaped forward and threw his arms around him. Haru jolted, caught off guard.

"You asshole," Rin said into his shoulder. "I was worried about you."

"I'm…." Rin wasn't sure what his next word was supposed to be— _sorry, fine,_ or _okay_ —but he never heard it. Haru wrapped his arms around him and held him close. He absorbed his trembles until they disappeared.

Rin was thinking about his dad, and Haru must have known that because he didn't argue or chasten him for worrying too much. He simply held him, propping him up while he regained his balance.

Rin took one last breath and pulled away. Haru's expression was creased with the gentlest hint of worry. "Sorry," he said. "I'm okay now."

Haru reached toward him, and Rin's breath was kicked out of him—but he just pushed a strand of hair from his eyes.

"Let's swim," he told him.

Rin nodded. Haru was already in his swimsuit, and he tried not to notice how low it clung on his hips. "Yeah," he whispered. "Okay."

Haru moved around him, brushing his arm as he passed, setting it on fire. Rin shuddered and ripped off his sweatshirt; his skin gasped with relief.

He stripped down to his swimsuit and turned towards the water. He almost reached up to pull down his goggles before he caught himself. It had been so long since he'd swam for fun. Competition was bred inside of him; it was like a nervous tic or a bad habit. He never did anything without ripping through it, wanting to reach the top first.

With a jolt, Rin stopped walking. He felt like a wall of bricks—an entire _castle_ —had fallen on his head.

 _Is that what 'being free' means?_ He watched Haru: he was at the water's edge, preparing to dive in. _Being free from expectation? Just…doing what you love, without thinking of the endgame? Is it really that simple?_

He thought about all of Haru's ramblings about loving the water and not caring about his times. He hadn't thought about what that really meant until now.

 _He doesn't care if he wins or loses, even though he tries his best. Losing doesn't deter him; winning doesn't control him. He just…does._

Rin closed his eyes.

 _Wow, I'm an idiot._

"You coming or what?"

Haru was still at the bank. He was watching Rin with a steady calm.

Rin chuckled. "Yeah." He walked up beside him, and the air around them stirred. It was alive, its pulse racing and its heart beating fast. The tension was hard enough to break.

Then Haru dived. Rin followed after.

The water was warm as it took him under, baked from the sun. Rin was swept inside, and as his body became weightless, he began to swim. The water tossed around him as he propelled across the river, his muscles burning as they awoke.

Instantly, everything inside of him disappeared. It was like it leaked out of him. He no longer could feel happiness or anger, sadness or fear. There was no room for that in the water; if you brought your emotions, they were swept away. All Rin could feel was a blissful, empty peace.

He saw a flash and turned his head.

It was Haru, weaving through the water like it was a dance. He leaned and flew up, his limbs the waves, rising and falling in a slow, graceful leap. In the water, he was a bird at home in the clouds.

When Rin swam, he attacked the water, shoving it aside as he barreled through. When Haru swam, he accepted it, moved with it, and in turn, it loved him back.

There was nothing more beautiful than Haru swimming.

Rin broke for air. Haru's head was above, too, and he was watching him.

"What?" he asked.

Rin shook his head. "Nothing." He dove back under.

They swam for hours, until they were soaked to the bones and their skin had shriveled into dried fruit. Rin left the water first and sat on the shore, watching Haru, lost in thought.

 _I think I get it now._ He combed his hair back from his eyes. _Haru is free because he doesn't hold himself to anything. He doesn't let it tie him down. Whether it means how he swims or why he swims, there's nothing that is going to burden him of doing what he loves._

He watched as Haru stood and climbed ashore. The light danced off of his glistening body, as if he wasn't beautiful enough. He shook out his hair and headed over to him.

 _Haru…,_ he thought, as the boy sat by his side. _I envy you._

They didn't speak for a moment. The sun blazed their skin, though it was sinking in the horizon. It would be dark soon, he realized—but he didn't want to leave.

He cleared his throat. He rubbed his hands along his legs, pretending he was stretching. There was an empty feeling in the pit of his stomach as if a black hole had opened up inside of him.

He couldn't look at him—but he had to do this. He had to be free.

"Haru…." He swallowed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I, um….I…."

"I know."

It was so soft, yet so loud. Rin snapped straight and whirled his head. "What?"

"I'm not blind." Haru didn't look at him, just stared out at the water. "I was letting you take your time."

Rin couldn't sit still. He shifted his weight and jiggled his knee, shoving down the urge to run and hide. "You…you knew?" His ears were on fire. "This whole time?"

"Ah-huh."

"…Oh."

Rin wanted to drown himself.

Haru turned his head towards him. His eyes burned into his skull. "Hey."

Rin bit his lip.

"Hey," he repeated. He reached towards his face, hesitated. Then he took his chin and turned it around.

Rin's cheeks were searing so hot, he was sure he was burning Haru's hand. He didn't say anything. Haru locked him in place, arresting him with those deep, bottomless blue eyes.

He still didn't say anything as he leaned forward and kissed him.

Rin didn't feel anything besides white shock. Then his emotions awoke and clashed together: disbelief, hope, and then raw desire, unearthed from the very bottom of his soul. He clasped Haru's face in his hands, his fingers snaking into his hair, and pulled him impossibly close.

His lips were so wet. Rin could taste nothing but water and heat. Then Haru opened up his mouth and kissed him with hunger, digging his fingertips into his back, and Rin couldn't taste the water anymore.

A moan slipped from him. He barely heard it over the blood rushing through his head. He slid his hand down Haru's neck, down his back, grazing his beautiful, porcelain skin. He felt a rumble from Haru's chest and kissed him harder, desperate to feel it again.

Then Haru's hands were on his shoulders, and he was pushing him into the grass. He climbed on top of him, and Haru's weight made Rin feel dizzy with desire. He could feel every part of him like nothing was in between, and he wanted more than anything to feel his skin against his—every part of it.

He couldn't breathe. His lungs were burning for air, but he never wanted to let Haru go.

Haru broke away with a gasp. Rin almost yanked him back but stopped. He could see Haru's face blearily through a shadow, and it was red, inflamed. He'd cracked open just a little, and Rin could see his burning gaze, his gasping breath—the way his lips trembled when he gazed down at him.

Rin reached up and cupped his face. He pressed their lips together and kissed him again, slower, barely moving his tongue. It felt like hushed whispers in the dark, something quiet and calm and delicate. He pushed closer and felt Haru shiver.

He pulled away again and lay next to him, resting his cheek on his chest. Rin held him close and stared at the sky. His heart pounded loud enough for both of them to hear. He was still catching his breath.

 _I guess we're both seeing something we'll never forget._


End file.
